Tuesday, February 9, 2010

How To Make The Celtics Better

I'm writing this specifically for the Bleacher Report, so no fucks, or shit lips or references to "Big Lake Tittykaka" after this.

      As the trade deadline approaches, Celtics fans have an uneasy feeling in their stomachs about the direction the team is headed. The biggest question mark is do they trade Ray Allen or try and win it all with him? In all honesty, keeping Ray would be a huge mistake. The C's are already over the cap next year, without Ray's $19mm salary. If they let him play out the season and walk, they'll have nothing to show for it since they won't be in the mix for any of the 29 superstars set to hit the market. But let's go beyond traditional trades for a moment and come up with some alternative ideas that Danny Ainge and the brass may not have considered just yet.

1) Dress Brian Scalbrine up as Teen Wolf each game. Here's an instance where we can keep Ray. The point is to make the other to scare make the other team laugh so hard while on the court, they can't play D worth a darn. Plus Scal pads the stats and get a nice contract to play in Transylvania next season.

2) Get Scott Brown, our new Senator, to pass legislation that enables husbands and wives to become interchangeable between their occupations. Long story short, trade Shelden Williams for Candace Parker. No offense to Shelden. He was great when called upon early in the season, but he doesn't have the game of his wife.

3) Utilize the Flying V or Wedge each time down the court. It'll take a little bit of practice to get around the charging calls, but why wouldn't you use the most dominating move in Football history...in the NBA?? I'm sure there's no rule against it. Give Rajon Rondo the ball, put Kendrick Perkins in front, who's gonna stop ya?

4) Just clone Ray. That way we get something back for him AND get to keep him. Brilliant!

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