A long long time ago. In a land where a bunch of random shit went down, it's not important, lived an average man named Lumbard. Lumby was not a man of nobility nor did he wearth the family jewels that donth that of a regal man. No Lumby was an average sole. He spent his days laboring in his father's iron works shop, fashioning horse shoes, pig shoes, and goat shoes, which were popular at time before people switched to riding horses.
One day Lumby was awander in the magic forest of Doodleberry (town in which he lived) when he doth spyeth a weeping ogre.
"Oh gentle ogre?", Lumby inquired. "Why are you crying?".
"Because I'm big and fat and ogresses don't want to get up in my shit." (He was kind of a hip-hop ogre, which was not uncommon for the times.)
Lumby thought for a second and said, “Young ogre, do not fret, you can be anything you like. Stay strong my good friend.”
With that Lumby, whistled a tune, did a shuffle step and extended his hand to the ogre.
“Thanks for the words of encouragement, I’m sure every ogress is going to line up and blow me now” replied the crying ogre rolling his eyes.
Lumby smiled and continued his stroll in the forest, when before long, he spied a beautiful maiden singing a song for a window top. She sang the songs of the beautiful goddess Boobina, a most delightful hymn.
“Fair maiden!” harkened Lumby. “To what may I do so I may hath thy hand in marriage?”
“Stop fucking talking like that for starters, dink. But you are a man of menial labor and cannot have my hand as you are most beneath me.”
“But I am a man of charm and wisdom.”
“Yeah but I am the maiden Cuntaleah and you’re is walking through the forest with nary a horse in sight.”
“Well fair maiden, I shall prove to you my worth as an upper echelon man. Name you’re task.”
“Wow this guy is a huge douche,” thought fair Cuntaleah. “If you are to have the chance to woo me, not marry prince alarming, you will have to…to…(Cuntaleah spies the crying ogre sauntering towards her and Lumby.)….slay that ogre.
“Anything for you fair maiden, for I lust for your touch.”
With that, Lumby drew his trusty pocketh knifth and raced towards the ogre. He slashed furiously at the ogre slicing him upon his arm.
“What the fuck grigga?” roared the ogre.
The ogre then threw a left hook at Lumby, causing his head to explode into a million pieces (this is true origin of the piñata by the way).
“You got knocked the fuck out!” chimed the ogre.
The ogre noticed Cuntaleah looking down upon him and promptly removed his large ogre penis, so it was in plain view for the maiden.
“You want some of this bad medicine Miss tits?” said the ogre.
“Why yes, yes I would,” said Cuntaleah and went to meet the ogre.
MORAL:
Eat you’re oatmeal. Seriously stupid it should be obvious. Don’t fucking fight an ogre.
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