UFC 100 Predictions

Even though I'll be about as far away as possible from a television this weekend, I can still make predictions on the most anticipated UFC card of all time (I don't think arguably works here, it just is the biggest)

Brock Lesner (C) vs. Frank Mir (IC)

This should be a doozy. May not be the best display of MMA abilities since Lesner is still raw and makes any opponent really rethink their game plan, but the excitement level is through the roof. I see Lesner winning despite being called for 1 or 2 fouls. In the end I'm hoping he can solidify himself as a true MMA personality and put to rest any doubters who still see him as a WWE wrestler...so yeah I guess this prediciton is based partly on what I want vs. what I think. Mir could just as easily win, but it'd be like putting a Rhino in a leg lock.

Prediction: Lesner, Round 2, Ground Strikes

Geroges St. Pierre (C) vs. Thiago Alves

I'm a big GSP fan. I like his arrogance and cockiness. Like Lesner, GSP is the closest thing to a villain in the UFC. GSP has been solid in recent matches, winning 5 in a row, but Alves is on his own 8 match win streak and to boot, 6 have come by way of TKO. Both of these guys are sick and this should be a match of the year candidate, hands down.

Prediction: GSP, Split Decision

Dan Henderson vs. Michal Bisping

Wrestler vs. striker. I could see either guy winning this one. My gut says Henderson will wear down Bisping in a drawn out match, Bisping could catch him with a right. Still if you look at Henderson's face it looks like a piece of unrefined granite sitting on top of a neck.

Prediction: Dan Henderson, Unanimous Decision

Jon Fitch vs. Paul Thiago

This could also be the fight of the night. Fitch has only lost once since 2003 and that was to GSP via decision. Not bad considering he has also defeated Thiago Alves and one of the hottest (fighting ability, not looks) fighters in Diego Sanchez as well. The only thing is his opponent has never lost. It's just not possible to have 2 guys named Thiago on the same card and have them both lose. So with that I have to go with Paul Thiago who wins here via the name game and in stellar fashion.

Prediction: Paul Thiago, Round 1, KO (Punch)

Mark Coleman vs. Stephan Bonnar

Okay. This fight is more my style. An old guy vs. a former steroid user. I don't see this being a very skillful fight. Bonnar has looked played out in his last couple of fights an Coleman is an early-bird special kind of guy (hence the not gonna be broadcast tag), but in hindsight if you say 'that was a great fight' that'll means there will be a shitload of blood and both fighters will look a silly putty imprint of a Ziggy cartoon. Still that is probably wishful thinking. This fight will most likely suck, doing nothing for either fighter's career.

Prediction: Stephan Bonnar, Round 1, TKO (injury)

Other Matches:
Yoshihiro Akiyama Vs. Alan Belcher: Prediction: Akiyama
Mac Danzig Vs. Jim Miller: Prediction: Miller
Jon Jones Vs. Jake O'Brien: Predicition: Jones
Dong Hyun Kim Vs. TJ Grant: Prediction: Kim
CB Dollaway Vs. Tom Lawlor: Prediction: Dollaway
Matt Grice Vs. Shannon Gugerty: Prediction: Gugerty

In An Effort To Clean Up My Act

I have decided to try and curb myself a bit and open up my posts to a broader audience, namely kids. So what I am going to do here is take some common "dirty word" phrases and make them into something PG rated. Here we go.

Current Phrase: New Phrase

Shit Show: Poopie Parade
Chickenshit: Tiny Turkey
Ass Clown: Tushy Mime
Cum Guzzler: Super Happy Sauce Sipper
Jacking Off: Playing Nice
Mother Fucker: Dad

Time For A Time Out

I'll be vacating the toils of my life for the next week, so your homework is to think of something insanely twisted or disturbing and then think about doing that same thing in bed with a Malaysian hooker.

Reverse Psychology

Here are today esreveR psychologyisms of the day.

-I bet God couldn't make the sun come out right now.

-A hand job? I highly doubt I would enjoy that.

-No, Bon Jovi isn't that bad, sure put it on if you feel the need.

-No you couldn't ram your head into that wall at full speed.

Basic Mathematics

If a 69 is fun...
...just think how fun a 69,966,969,969,669,999* would be.



*The commas can represent midgets or sext toys, up to you.

e-POX-e Vs. The Space Ninjas

So I got back from work Monday night and was just relaxing, admiring my new suede boat shoes, when I slipped and hit my head...

...When I came to, I had been transformed into the world's shittiest rapper, e-POX-e. Or at least that's who I thought I was. What you are about to read (in lyrical verse) describes exactly what happened to me that night after I was done admiring my shoes. All the events are 100% true and this in full detail. I am okay now, but can't be so sure that my troubles are behind me.

=========================================================================
You should probably play 'Shoot for the Moon' by DJ Cid before reading any further.
=========================================================================

-Intro-

Yeah, yeah, e-POX-e, stickin' it to yo' ass, Scotch Tape, 3M, mutha fucka, crunky dunky, '95, B-ouch, set the phasers on cum, dat's right, brace yo' face.

--

So I'm walkin' down the street,
skip to the hop so I don't miss a beat.
Mindin' my own bidness but then who I do meet?
A funny lookin' feller with black ballet slippers on his feet.

He looked at me with an expression that said "duh."
So I shot back with a "what?" and a "huh?"
Then I looked down and said "steal those shoes didn't ya?"
Then I saw his sword and knew he was a SPACE NINJA.

I was like damn,
this wasn't in my plans.
And that's when he grabbed me by the hand.
But I wasn't a fan of being grabbed by a man.

I said "hey creep, get off my tip."
Next thing I knew we were on board his pimped out spaceship.
I was like "ah yi, this shit is hip."
That's when things got weird and he told me to strip.

I was like "wha?" as he told me to disrobe,
and that's when he pulled a 2 foot evil anal probe.
I lost control.
I said "that thing ain't going in my hole and now it's time to roll."

I wasn't down with this.
I was starting to get pissed.
He jumped up and told me to sit
but I couldn't really understand him cause I don't speak alien and shit.

I said "nuh-uh, you dirty space crook."
That's when I cold decked him a blazing right hook.
Hit the fucker so hard the whole ship started to shook.
And that's when I decided it was time to book.

I was about to leave this whole fucked up thing,
when some dude hit me with a swing.
I looked up as my face began to sting.
It was fucking Mr. Presley, the King.

I said "wassup Elvis,"
as he reached for my pelvis.
Should I keep going?
Yeah I need to tell this.

The King went for my thing.
Grabbed me so hard by the dick, he made me sing.
I sang "King, get your hands off my ding-aling!"
Then I thought hmm sexual harassment, ca-ching!

He said "Stop for crying for your ma."
I said "Can ya ease up off my dick big guy?"
He got all quiet then said "Thought I was dead didn't ya?"
Then he said "Nope I was just chillin' with a space ninja."

I said "Fuck this! I know how I can win this."
Reached into my coat for my auxiliary can of spinach.
I shook my head and said "Aww damn."
Then I hit the mother fucker upside the head with my spinach can.

The King looked like a clown,
rolling on the ground.
That's when I finally found the space elevator going down.

It felt good to be back on the street,
like I didn't miss a beat.
Man fighting fucking ninjas makes me hungry and need to eat.

I kind also wanted to get a cold beer.
I thought I was in the clear.
But then I thought I heard something I didn't want to hear.
And finally I felt something in my rear.

Turned around and this dude said "thought you could stop us, didn't ya?"
I screamed out "Oh fuck! A whole army of space ninjas."

-Outro-

Word. Flippancy. Man first it was the Space alligators, then it was space zombies, now these fucking space ninjas. I'm gonna round up some children of the damned, off set that shit, kna mean? Word. BITCHES!! Ho, and I'm out....

A special message from e-POX-e

Pot Scandal Rips Wimbledon?

Can someone please tell me why ESPN is condoning the use of Marijuana by the world's top tennis players?

Remembering Billy Mays

Why aren't you writing this about Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, or Ed MacMahon, you ask?

Well as interesting as they all were, Billy Mays, is kind of my 'it' guy. Whenever his face popped up on tv, I immediately stopped what I was doing (one time in Phoenix I was performing unlicensed open heart surgery of all things)and would focus in on what he was hawking. Whether it was the original Oxi Clean or that super putty shit, in the event you need to tow a semi like a donkey, Billy made advertising fun. Even though he was shouting and pointing, I never felt like he would show up at my home with Ron Popeil or the Sham-Wow scumbag at 3am on a Tuesday if I didn't buy his stuff. Needless to say, he was the perfect spokesman for selling the low-budget campy shit only available on www.asseenontv.com and now I am left with a void in my life because what the hell am I going to watch now on that same Tuesday at 3am when I can't fall asleep?!

Apparently 2 Wrongs Can Make A Right

Here is an example where two wrongs actually make a right and nobody gets kicked in the dick or sent to jail for 8-10 years.

We are shown a split screen of a MAN dialing a phone number. On the other end is a RECEPTIONIST, frantically trying to manage the influx in calls to her switchboard.

Ring Ring

DANIELLE

[Company Name] Do you mind holding?

ANDREW

Yes.

Andrew slaps his forehead realizing he said 'yes' but meant 'no' as in he didn't mind holding.

DANIELLE

Thank you.

[scene]

So Andrew made the first wrong move by reacting with an instinctive answer that was the opposite of what he meant. But then Danielle made her own mistake by thanking Andrew for understanding when in fact Andrew was not agreeing to her request.

So next time someone says to you '2 wrongs don't make a right' you can explain them this example. And if they still disagree with you, shoot them once, then again, to illustrate your point further.

Why Can't I Get That Excited Over Things?!

As where most of my inspiration (i.e. hatred) for my fellow man comes from I was at The Store waiting in line to get my coffee this morning. Today was no exception.

So, I'm getting my straw on. Little pound, pound, pull - 3 step process to get the wrapper off. I'd consider myself an expert here, but I digress...So anyway, I'm getting the straw and this girl airhorn's my ear off by yapping.

"Oh my God. I couldn't believe it." I was like no way, you can't be serious. But then I tried it and now I'm totally hooked on cream." <----This is where I frowned.

Not only was this person obnoxiously loud and nearly touching my personal space (we actually got to code:orange), but she was all riled up over the fact that she fucking puts cream in her coffee?! Of course my first instinct was too smash her in the head with a coffee pot, but then I thought "hmm why don't I get that worked up over cream?"

Even though I'm pretty convinced 98% of the human race would hate this person because of her ways, still she was legitimately fired up and I wished I could feel that much passion over what I would consider 'nothing'.

I think the moral of this story is that I need to up my meds. 4 blues, a pink, and 6 greens will only get you so far from day to dayyyyyyyyy (sorry my tick acted up).